Why does it have to be a competition?

Apparently, I lose at the Mommier-Than-Thou race. You know the moms I'm referring to: acquaintances, or even strangers, who make disdainful comments about your parenting because THEY would never do such a thing to THEIR children. The random woman who sees Cheetos, a case of Coke, and Lucky Charms in your shopping cart and rolls her eyes while looking down her nose, and you hear a muttered "I'd never feed that to my family." Or the woman who sees you give your child a pacifier and takes it upon herself to lecture you on The Evils of the Binkie; after all, her children didn't need one.

I'm a pretty laid-back parent,and my "parenting style" is a mix of attachment-parenting and not-so-attachment. I've breastfed all of my babies, use cloth diapers, wear them in a sling or a wrap, cosleep until about 12 months, and buy natural or organic foods whenever possible. On the other hand, I'm fully pro-vaccinations, I use a pacifier if they'll take it, put my kids in public school (gasp! The horror!), and let them have Otter Pops, cookies, ice cream, and even the occasional soda. I've noticed most of the Mommy Drive-By Snarkings are aimed at those who are at the other end of the spectrum from the AP parenting ideal, and since I'm firmly in middle ground I always figured I was safe.

Until last week. I took the kids to the community pool; since Lily doesn't get in the water yet, she was wearing just a pink diaper. A woman next to me, who we'll call Momzilla, asked me where I'd gotten her diaper, and after I answered her she sniffed slightly and said "Oh, I tried that kind once." Over the next five minutes, I got to hear all about the cloth diapers she uses and how much better and cuter they are than the ones I have. How she doesn't like all-in-one diapers (these actually aren't), how they take forever to dry (umm...no), ad nauseum.

I left the area and went to play with my kids. Upon returning to get Lily's wrap so I could have my hands free, Momzilla commented on that as well. I did notice that she was wearing a similar wrap, but my smile in seeing that we had something in common quickly disappeared she launched into a lengthy expostulation on why mine wasn't a "real" wrap. It was too stretchy, it wasn't long enough, it looked terribly uncomfortable, and I just wasn't doing it right. Although I tried to refute a couple of her comments at first, it became obvious very quickly that Momzilla wasn't listening, and nothing I could have said would have changed her opinions.

Thinking about it now leaves me with mixed feelings: half disbelief, and half the knowledge that had it happened to a friend while I was watching, I probably would have busted up laughing at her know-it-all attitude. It really was comical.

The kicker, though, came as I was getting ready to leave. She mentioned that I might want to wash Lily's two pacifiers before giving them to her, as her daughter had been playing with them and trying to give them to her baby. My jaw just about hit the floor. Ms. Going-for-the-Gold-in-Mommylympics was so concerned about the brands of cloth diapers and wrap I'm using, that she couldn't watch her own child long enough to keep her out of my things!

You know what's sad, though? As I told this story to a friend, she commented that the woman was probably trying to start a conversation or make a connection with me, but lacked the social skills to do so. She's probably right. My first thought when Momzilla started talking to me, was that it'd be nice to have a friend who also cloth-diapers and babywears, since that's not the norm here. Unfortunately, everything she said was so snobbish and superior, it left me unable to think of a single nice thing to say. I ended up not wanting to have anything to do with her.

I'm a little sad about that, but not enough to have a conversation with her again!

The Mom Workout™

Yesterday at the pool, I ran into a woman I haven't seen in a year or two. Her son was in Andrew's class for a while, and we volunteered together in the PTA. She was surprised to see that I'd had another baby (her first language is Spanish, and I can almost hear her thinking "Loco en la cabeza!") and complimented me on me on being back in shape already (I'm not, but it was a nice gesture).

She asked me how I stay fit and what I do for exercise. Let me describe my weightlifting and cardio exercises:

• Chase toddler and preschooler around the house for ten minutes trying to get sunscreen on both and swimsuit on the preschooler
• Run around like a madman trying to make sure I have towels, snacks, water, and all the kids are ready to go
• Arrive at 10, when the pool opens. If I don't get inside and get my stuff on a table in the first 5-10 minutes, I get no shade for the morning. Big incentive to hurry, so I'm walking fast or running as soon as I get out of the car.
• Unload stroller, buckle a squirming, unwilling toddler inside, then push stroller while carrying Lily's carseat, beach bag full of towels, diaper bag, bag of water bottles, and tote full of snacks
• Wrangle the same uncooperative toddler into a swimsuit
• Nurse an infant, holding her in one arm with a sling, while walking around the pool following toddler
• Work out the other arm when she switches sides
• Power-walk down the sidewalk, up a ramp, around a corner, and up to the front gate to catch toddler, who has decided to leave the pool while I'm changing infant's diaper
• Repeat this, doing laps two or three times, as toddler continues to test boundaries and assert his independence by going adventuring on his own
• Do several reps of lifting and carrying said squirming toddler, who does not want to return to pool, while still carrying infant
• When older child's swimming lesson is over, repeat initial uncooperative child routine while buckling toddler into stroller, since he has now decided he doesn't want to leave after all
• Trek back to car while carrying infant carseat, bag of now-heavy-and-sopping-wet towels, slightly-lighter-weight bag od water bottles, and empty bag of snacks
• Wrestle toddler back into a diaper while trying to hold him onto the car seat so he doesn't fall
• Work out arm muscles by buckling five children into carseats in five minutes or less, because you have to rush to pick up another child from somewhere else
• Repeat routine daily

Who needs to go to the gym? I've got the perfect workout already.

How to relax

Just when you start to get complacent...

Need a little peace and quiet in your life? I did, so when Lily needed to be fed, I let the kids watch Little Bear on the TiVo and settled down in my room to feed her. The kids love Little Bear, even Andrew and Jaden, although they'd rather eat a mouse than admit it to their friends! And since Lily usually nurses for 20-30 minutes, it gave me just enough of a break.

So if you want to relax a little bit, here are some additional pointers besides turning on the television:

Don't assume that because your children watched Little Bear without moving from the couch last week, it will also work again this week. Be sure to not leave the cinnamon-sugar shaker within reach of your 3-year-old. If you do, you will find half of it poured out on the recliner. Thankfully, though, you'll only half to clean up that half, because the other half has been consumed.

Don't lose the Dustbuster. If you forget where you've put it, you'll have to spend several minutes looking for it. While you're wasting this valuable time, don't forget to not leave the Windex sitting on your bathroom counter. Despite the fact that you've turned the nozzle off, your oh-so-helpful 3-year-old will turn it back on so that your almost-2-year-old can Windex your mirror for you. While he's at it, he will also spray everything on your counter. If you happened to leave your makeup bag out, or your hairbrush, they will be so clean and smell just like a shiny mirror!

And as you head for the kitchen to get paper towels, don't leave your 3-year-old unsupervised again. And don't leave your Swiffer sitting next to the washing machine. This will result in an unusable Swiffer, because while you are headed to the garage to lood again for the Dustbuster she will be busy tearing the rubber padding at the end into several pieces.

Whatever you do, don't give in to the urge to scream. DO call your husband at work and tell him you need a break .

And don't cry when he brings you two dozen roses when he comes home.

Self-induced insomnia

It's 1:00 in the morning, and I am awake.

Cranky toddler who won't go to bed? Not this time; he's sound asleep. Newborn who wants to nurse every two hours? Nope, she's crashed. This time, it's my own fault. Jeff is gone again, this time to Webelos camp with Andrew, and so I am putting off bedtime for far too long. It's nothing new, this happens every time he takes a trip, but I have a hard time making myself go to bed when I'm going to bed alone. And no, the two or three kids who will end up smothering me and stealing blankets and pillows before 6am don't count.

I talked to him today, and guess what? He's bored! Why does that excite me? Because this is a man who is nearly physically incapable of doing nothing. He is always on the go, always has things he needs to/wants to/should be doing. When we went to my mom's farm for vacation a few years ago and stayed for four days, he just about climbed the walls because there was nothing to do. He needs this: time to relax, time to unwind, time to not be stressed.

He did mention today that his wireless card works all the way out there, and since he has his laptop he could be doing work. I'm tempted to tell him NO WAY, but if I tell him not to work it'll probably just make him want it more, so I'm going to leave it alone.

He'll sit around and do nothing probably right about the same time I start going to bed at a decent hour on my own. Can you spell n-o-t-g-o-n-n-a-h-a-p-p-e-n?

Insert title here

Isn't it amazing how you can sit in the middle of a crowd of people and feel completely alone? I know I'm far from the only person who's felt that.

Jeff left today to go camping with Drew. It's a Webelos outing, from today until Wednesday night. After a hectic week and an even busier Saturday, it feels like I haven't seen him or spent time with him in forever. I've fallen asleep on the couch with Lily almost every night this week, which doesn't help matters! Sunday mornings aren't much better, since Jeff leaves at 7:15 while I'm just barely out of bed by that time if I'm lucky. (Okay, okay, it's usually closer to 8:30 by the time I manage to get up...some of you know me far too well.) To add insult to injury, we've both been sick this week. When neither of us feels very good, it can make for some pretty irritable conversations.

I'm thrilled that Jeff is going camping with Andrew, since I'm not comfortable with Drew being gone that long without a parent, but as soon as he walked out the door today I felt so sad. He left straight from church, after the first part of the service, and it was difficult to just sit there with people all around me and not cry. It was like I didn't have a friend in the world. I felt absolutely ridiculous; I'm an adult, not a little girl who's losing her best friend, and he's only going to be gone for three more days, for heaven's sakes.

And then I thought about a young mom who attends our church whose husband died when she was 7 months pregnant with their first children--twins. The twins are now a month old or so, and she's raising them with her parents' help. That was enough for me to give myself a good swift kick in the pants and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Doesn't stop me from missing him, though.

My second thought for today, somewhat related but not really: Why do we worry so much about appearances? I was holding myself together by a thread today, trying not to lose it in the middle of Sunday School, but why not just let myself cry? Why do so many women feel like they have to appear as the perfect person, wife, mother, homemaker, the perfect anything? There are exactly three women here (in Dallas) that I can talk to when it feels like I'm about to fall apart. I have many other friends, but I don't ever let them see my weak spots or my struggles or when I'm about to lose it. And because I can hide my flaws, parenting or otherwise, very well, they have a much higher opinion of me and of my parenting skills than I do. Which makes it even harder for me to admit just how much I struggle sometimes or how hard it is to keep everything together.

There are several youngish moms, like me, who I talk to at church, go to playdates with, have long discussions with in the mothers' lounge, who I can talk to when I'm happy and everything is going well. But I'd never in a million years dream of calling any of them and saying "I have a killer migraine, I can barely think, and there are ten loads of laundry that need to be folded and I don't know what to do about dinner or getting Jaden to his baseball game. Help!"

Is it because I'm afraid I'll appear as less than the perfect mom? Because I don't trust them to still be my friend when they've seen me at my worst?

And if all of the moms are making sure that everyone else sees their good sides and holding in the rest, aren't we just artificially increasing the pressure that all of us are under to continue to hold up those perfect appearances?

I don't know. It makes my head hurt to think about it too much. Especially because it's after 1:00 in the morning, and I really need to go to bed. In my less-than-perfect bedroom, in my not-spotless house with a few dishes in the sink and two loads of laundry waiting to be folded and toys not picked up in the TVroom. OK, it's really three loads.

Hopefully this week will be better.

The boy is determined, I'll give him that.

Levi, who will be two in a month, has been improving his communication skills quite a bit lately. He's been speaking in sentences for probably three or four months, but up until the last month or so those sentences were pretty predictable. "Choo doing, Mama?"

"Hi Daddy! Ere going?"

And the longest, "Hot milk. Peese. Oooookay! Beeep!" Beep, of course, being his name for the microwave.

He's been getting better at pronouncing things, and in the last month has added many new words to his vocabulary. He's also gaining confidence and is willing to try saying new words, where before if you asked him to repeat something he'd just smile and shake his head.

So today I decided to try to get him to say his brothers' and sisters' names. A-doo (Andrew) was the first name he learned after Mama and Daddy, so Andrew felt pretty special, but I figured he could probably at least attempt the other kids by now. He's been calling Aspen "Buddy" for a few weeks, and he can say Lily now too.

The conversation went like this, as he was playing with his blocks:

"Levi, can you say Andrew?"
Big smile. "A-doo."
"What about Jaden? Can you say Jaden?"
He concentrated for a minute and said "Jay!" I could tell by the look on his face that he was proud of himself.
"Good job! Can you say Kendra?"
He didn't say anything for a minute, then "A-doo?"
"No, Kendra. Ken-dra."
He tried again, but I don't think I could repeat what he said. It's a hard name for a one-year-old, though, so I didn't push it at all.
"OK, Levi, can you say Aspen?"
Big grin again. "Buddy!"
"No, can you say Aspen? Aspen?"
"Buddy!"
"OK, Levi. One more time. Say Asp....en."

He looked at me very seriously, as if to say "Duh, mom," and very slowly said "Bud....dy."

Point taken. I'll leave it alone!

Misunderstandings, or, An Exercise in Customer Service Idiocy

I always make an extra effort to be nice to the employees who answer Customer Service phone calls. If I have a problem with a company or product and need it addressed, venting my frustration or anger at the customer service employee won't do me any good. For one, the person answering the phone is most definitely not the person who caused the initial problem, so there's no point in yelling at them. Two, if I want something fixed, the CS department is usually the one who tries to fix it. You don't want to alienate them, because they're the ones who will try to get you the resolution you want.

Usually.

I understand that CS people have a script to follow that tells them the steps to take and questions to ask the caller. But are people really so dense that they are incapable of deviating from it, or at least recognizing when the problem doesn't fit the script?

Case in point:
Jeff's employer instituted Flexible Spending Account credit cards this year. The idea behind it is great: you use the card for medical expenses, and it's deducted from your FSA balance instead of having to pay for things and wait for reimbursement. The small print mentions that "some transactions may require additional substantiation and submission of receipts for verification of medical appropriateness." The theory is great, but the practical application, not so much. For the first three months of the year, they required paper copies of receipts and insurance information for Every. Single. Stinkin'. Transaction. Gee, it's a charge that equals my copay amount, charged from my doctor's office, Hey! Let's get a receipt because she's obviously spending that on haircare! Or the $647 spent at the orthodontist's--you know that's gotta be a clothes shopping spree. But I digress...

One of the charges from January, at the dentist's office, required paper substantiation. Apparently we missed that email, so nothing was submitted. After April, that charge was considered ineligible and counted as an overpayment on their part, which we must compensate for by submitting unreimbursed claims that will total or exceed that amount. I called customer service today to find out what additional paperwork we needed to submit besides the insurance verification.

Customer Service employee: "How may I help you?" Very strong accent. I really don't know how much of the problem was idiocy vs a language barrier.
Me: "I need to find out what paperwork I can fax with the insurance information for the Jan. 4th charge so that it can be classified as an eligible charge."
CS: Yes, that charge has been labeled as an overpayment. One moment please while I do some addition.
(I'm wondering what addition she needs to do, but can't ask because I'm on hold.)
CS: You need to submit additional claims for $71.86 to complete the overpayment amount.
Me: Huh? No, I need to know what paperwork I have to send in.
CS: The paperwork should accompany the additional seventy-one dollar claim.
Me: 71 additional dollars of what? The claim I'm referencing is a charge for $350, January 4th, at Dr. Dentistname.
CS: Yes, that is an overpayment.
Me: I know that. What I'd like to know is what paperwork I can submit so that it's no longer considered an overpayment and ineligible. It was a legitimate charge.
CS: Ma'am, you need to submit $71 more.
Me: (Thoroughly confused by now) More of what? More charges? You're not answering my question!
CS: (Very slowly, as if she's talking to a child, which is infuriating in & of itself) Would you like me to explain it again?
Me: Yes, because obviously I'm missing something.
CS: Your overpayment amount is not complete and you need to submit another $71.
Me: I don't want to submit another $71, I want to clear up the charge that was classified as ineligible so that it's reflected as eligible and not an overpayment.
CS: Yes. Your account will remain in overpayment status until you have submitted unreimbursed claims of $71.86.
Me: (Silence while I contemplate banging my forehead against the wall, which could possibly prove more productive.) You. Are. NOT. Answering. My. Question.
CS: What is it that you don't understand? You are in overpayment status.

At that point, I bit my tongue to prevent myself from saying what I was thinking, and calmly asked to speak to a supervisor, since she and I were clearly talking about two different things.

Guess what? The supervisor understood exactly what I was asking, provided me with the correct information, and even spent ten minutes researching the claims history to see if anything had been submitted that was missed. Looking back at the conversation, it's easy to say that I should have just asked for a supervisor after the first two minutes, but I honestly thought that if I explained what I was asking for, she'd understand what I was saying.

Nope.

Recipe for insanity

Ingredients:

1 husband out playing racquetball
1 toddler who refuses to keep his diaper on
1 newborn who has a stuffy nose and doesn't feel good
1 3yo with a cold who won't leave the baby alone
1 6yo who's tired and cranky
2 boys who would much rather watch the Discovery Channel than do chores
1 mom who just doesn't have enough hands

Mix well and marinate for two to three hours. Add a liberal sprinkling of laundry and a dash of we-need-lunch-now.

Results guaranteed or your money back!

:)

New blog!

I'm packing up my virtual U-Haul and moving! I've been blogging now for all of a month, but I think I like the layout better here than on MySpace, so here I am. You can find my previous musings here.

I'd post something witty and amusing, but it's one o'clock in the morning. Witty and amusing goes to bed at 11:30, while I'm stuck awake with a not-tired 3yo. I put Kendra, Aspen, and Levi into drop-in care Thursday morning so that I could take care of some appointments. Great idea, yes, but they have a naptime after lunch in daycare. Apparently it's state-mandated; who'da thunk? Aspen gave up her nap well over a year ago, but she fell asleep while on her cot. Her little "take-home" note says she slept for two hours. A two-hour nap, for a non-napping child who's a night owl by nature, means that she won't be sleepy anytime soon.

Me? I've been ready to crash for three hours and am fighting off sleep, but you don't just go to bed with a three-year-old wandering the house! Locking her in her room isn't an option, and Jeff is in Houston again, so we can't trade shifts. I'd be perfectly fine with putting her to bed and letting her be mad until she falls asleep. Unfortunately, she's a screamer, and since tonight that would mean waking up five other sleeping children, I'm just not going to go there.

An all-nighter it is, then! We have a winner! **dingdingding**